Depending upon how we were raised, we may or may not have been taught to treat our feelings with curiosity, love and care. In adulthood, the way we treat our feelings and the feelings of the people we care about  is largely determined by how we learned to treat ourselves and our important feelings. In general, people tend to minimize the impact of the way in which their important feelings were treated as children. We have been trained to rationalize self-neglecting behavior and devalue the importance of paying close attention to all of our feelings (our complex feelings -- ALL of which are extremely important).

Very often I see patients who habitually relegate certain or all feelings to the Siberia of their minds. In other words, they do not allow themselves to feel anger or sadness, and in some cases, all of their important feelings get ignored. This can lead to massive and/or chronic anxiety since feelings seek expression. Along with--or following--the anxiety comes the development of self-destructive habits and patterns (faulty feeling management strategies) that lead to psychological suffering. Once the self-destructive habits are in operation, people who ignore their feelings tend to make their own lives and the lives of others unpleasant.

What I help my patients understand is this: Without taking your feelings and anxiety seriously, you cannot begin to process your feelings in a healthy way that would lead to relief, the elimination of bad habits, and more satisfying relationships. Further, and even more important:

Comfort comes from feeling your feelings--even the painful ones.
Especially the painful ones.

How is it that perfectly intelligent and informed people wind up routinely ignoring, neglecting, minimizing or denying the important information inside them that would help them to feel better and understand themselves and the realities of their lives with compassion? In childhood, disruptive life events lead children toward a caregiver for comfort that is physical (holding, hugging) and emotional (attuning, mirroring, containing of feelings).

In the healthy/ideal situation, upsetting or negative emotions related to a traumatic event are processed within the parent-child (or infant-caregiver) interactions and  "repair" occurs. When this happens, the child develops a "secure attachment" and an autonomous self-regulatory system within himself. In essence, the child is able to deal with emotional upset, soothe himself and care for himself simultaneously. Specifically, this healthy self-regulation system allows the child to process all of the normal and "complex feelings" (pain, rage, grief, guilt, longing, love) that emerge in relationships when we encounter relationship ruptures and life traumas and disappointments.

Why is this ability to self-regulate so important? Our ability to adequately process our feelings helps us to avoid developing or getting stuck in debilitating states of anxiety and depression. Our ability to adequately process our feelings also protects us from developing or maintaining self-destructive behaviors that cause us distress and ruin our relationships. I refer to this autonomous self-regulatory system as a healthy and secure "internal working model" of attachment. I believe a secure internal working model of attachment helps us  process our complex feelings as they are brought to the surface in our day-to- day lives and in all our important relationships.

What happens if the child does not develop this ability to self-regulate and care for himself? Attachment trauma occurs when a child's sense of safety or control is violated and no repair occurs (e.g., a child is bullied at school and the bullying is minimized or ignored by the child's parents, or a child's parent dies and the child's feelings about the loss are ignored, minimized, or not adequately attended to by the surviving caregivers). The lack of repair creates a sense of helplessness in the child followed by anger and defenses, and a traumatized state of mind develops.

As adults, this state of mind leads us to respond to situations in the present in a way that is disproportionate to the actual intensity of the present event. In other words, we treat the current people in our lives as if they were the neglectful, ignoring, inattentive caregivers from our past. When we are caught up in a "traumatized state of mind," we respond to situations and people in our present lives based on unrepaired ruptures and unprocessed feelings related to traumas and disappointments from the past. In this traumatized state of mind, people find  themselves responding in a way that is "over the top" even though they may realize that their feelings and reactions are exaggerated.  This way of approaching the world and the people in it (the traumatized state of mind) can lead people into debilitating states of anxiety and depression and/or self-destructive rituals that they cannot seem to find their way out of. With no intervention, unconstructive cycles develop where current relationship and life difficulties lead people into chronic states of anxiety, depression, maladaptive coping styles and self-destructive patterns that are unending.

Despite these negative cycles, there is hope. With sufficient exploration and processing of your feelings related to both present and past situations and relationships, you can begin to resolve your unprocessed feelings and break the maladaptive cycles that are keeping you symptomatic, living beneath your potential, and/or disappointed with your way of treating yourself and others. And, you can change your way of treating yourself and important others in your life. Where children are involved, you can maximize the likelihood that you will not traumatize your children. In other words, by dealing with your feelings properly, you can avoid perpetuating an intergenerational transmission of trauma (trauma handed down from caregiver to child over and over again).

That is why it is so important that you learn how to recognize and feel your feelings. Doing so will lead to improved mental health (and likely better physical health, too) and enhanced relationships throughout your life. Remember, comfort comes from feeling your feelings -- especially the painful ones --and from making yourself, your needs, wishes and desires a priority in your life.