Infidelity & Sex Addiction—Affairs of Heart, Body, and Mind

Affairs have a lot to teach us about relationships — what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to.
— Esther Perel
Couple looking over ocean
 

Defining Infidelity

The definition of infidelity keeps expanding, but at its core, infidelity is the act of being unfaithful to your partner.

According to relationship experts like Robin Kay and Terrence Real, infidelity requires two things: a betrayal and deceit.

Infidelity usually includes at least one of these elements:

  1. Secrecy

  2. Sexual Involvement with a non-primary partner (physical or virtual)

  3. Emotional Involvement with a non-primary partner

The meaning of infidelity is not fixed. Therefore, couples must create their own definitions of infidelity and their own relationship terms. Not all acts of infidelity are equal. Our experiences of fidelity and infidelity are personal and value-laden.

“We don’t know how to talk about it.”


 

Percentage of People Who Admit To Having Affairs


Emotional Affairs

Oftentimes, before emotional affairs begin, couples have already become emotionally estranged from one another by getting too wrapped up in other activities like personal hobbies, careers, child rearing, social media obsessions, or mentla health declines. Relationships, like children, require attention, affection, and nurturance on a daily basis to blossom and thrive. Assess and discuss the quality of the connection in your relationship often. Doing so can help you identify areas of improvement and signs of danger.

Emotional affairs describe a bond between two people, outside of a marital or monogamous relationship, that imitates the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship. Generally, the term emotional affair is used when the betrayal does not involve physical contact, but rather an intense emotional or flirtatious closeness that should only be shared with one’s romantic partner.

It is important to establish an understanding with your partner about what constitutes infidelity for each of you, and how you both feel about the possibility of infidelity occuring. Your relationship will be stronger if you take the time to openly discuss your thoughts, feelings, and previous experiences with infidelity.

 

Coming Back from Infidelity

Restoring trust in a relationship after a fidelity breach is difficult at best, and sometimes impossible, without help from a talented psychologist or other relationship expert. In emotionally intense situations like these, it is useful to have an objective and trained third party to help you make sense of what occurred and why, and to guide you back to relationship harmony. It not only helps to seek out a psychologist who can provide guidance about forging relationship repair; sometimes infidelity is the symptom that the relationship was already in trouble. In that case, we don’t want to return the relationship to its previous state, but instead improve the quality of the relationship so infidelity and other breaches of trust are less likely to recur. Don’t give in to shame and avoid getting the help you need to promote positive change in your relationship. As soon as you notice your relationship is unstable or in disharmony, get some help.

AT TIMES WE DEFINE INFIDELITY; AT OTHER TIMES IT DEFINES US.
— Esther Perel

“After a relationship rupture, it is possible to build a stronger bond, with each partner having a deeper understanding of the other’s needs.”

Dr. Robin L. Kay

Sex Addiction

Much of the research on sex and pornography addiction has revealed that sex addiction is a problem that stems from faulty attachment relationships which give birth to faulty emotion regulation. When there is insufficient or chaotic bonding between children and their parents (or caregivers), children do not learn to self-soothe, regulate their own emotions, or respond adequately to the emotions of others. Unlike other addictions where total abstinence is encouraged, sex addiction does not get successfully solved by avoiding sex. If you are addicted to sex or pornography, in addition to learning behavioral and cognitive techniques to fight your impulsive habits and change your thinking, it is important to seek the help of an experienced psychologist who can help you identify any unresolved attachment trauma, process the messy emotions related to those early relationship failures, and then build an internal regulation system that allows you to identify and regulate your own emotions instead of using sex or pornography to manage or distract you from your emotions. Once you have completed these steps, and practiced the emotion regulation skills your psychologist has helped you cultivate, you should be able to direct your energy toward yourself and toward healthy relationships instead of toward addictive behaviors.