Dealing with Feelings
Our upbringing has a powerful impact on how we think about and handle feelings. We may or may not have been taught to treat our feelings with curiosity, love, and care. In adulthood, the way we treat our feelings and the feelings of the people we care about is largely determined by how we learned to treat ourselves and our important feelings. In general, people tend to minimize how their important feelings were treated as children. Many of us have been trained to rationalize self-neglecting behavior and devalue the importance of paying close attention to our feelings (our complex feelings -- ALL of which are vitally important to recognize for optimal mental health).
Very often, I see people who habitually dismiss or bury their feelings. In other words, they do not allow themselves to feel anger or sadness, and in some cases, all of their feelings are ignored or forbidden (including love and joy). This disconnect can lead to massive and/or chronic anxiety. Along with the anxiety comes the development of self-destructive habits and patterns (defense mechanisms - click here) that ultimately lead to psychological suffering. Once the defenses are in operation, people who ignore their feelings tend to make their own lives, and the lives of others, unpleasant despite their best intentions to behave well.
What I help my patients understand is this...
Without taking your feelings and anxiety seriously, you cannot process your feelings in a healthy way to achieve:
1) freedom from bad habits
2) more satisfying relationships
3) immediate and long-term relief
Comfort comes from feeling your feelings--even the painful ones.
Especially the painful ones.
Even if you are a highly intelligent or well-informed person, you still may routinely ignore, neglect, minimize or deny the important (feeling) information inside of you that would help you feel better and understand yourself, your reality, your options, and your dreams.
Why is this ability to access, regulate, and process feelings so important? Your ability to adequately process your feelings helps you to avoid crippling states of anxiety and depression. Your feelings provide information so you can make conscious choices about what you like and want to continue. You can then effectively plan and make sound choices that will allow you to realize your goals and dreams.
Effective psychotherapy provided by an expert can help you begin to resolve your unprocessed feelings and break the maladaptive cycles that are keeping you symptomatic, disappointed, or living beneath your potential. In turn, you'll be able to change your way of treating yourself and the important others in your life. Where children are involved, you can maximize the likelihood that you will not traumatize your children. In other words, by dealing with your feelings properly, you can avoid creating or repeating an inter-generational transmission of trauma (trauma handed down from parent to child which gets repeated in each successive generation). The outcome of effective psychotherapy will positively impact your life and the lives of future generations.