GRIEF: the neglected emotion
Grief is a normal feeling characterized by the emotional suffering and heartache you feel when something or someone you love is taken away from you. Grief does not only occur in response to the death of a loved one. It can occur in response to the knowledge that you have lost time or opportunities that are no longer available to you. The pain of loss can feel especially overwhelming because you will likely experience many different unexpected and difficult emotions simultaneously. Your ability to notice and decrease your anxiety, and to identify and constructively deal with your feelings will help you to process your grief in healthy ways instead of being held captive by it.
The Five Stages of Grief
World renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote extensively about the five stages of grief that represent the typical sequence of feeling and dealing that people experience when facing death or significant change. However, these stages are not always experienced in a predictable order. Instead, the stages can last for inconsistent durations of time and can even co-exist. It is important to remember that people are unique and can experience grief and its stages differently. Grief that does not get fully processed (pathological mourning) often results in psychological difficulties, either at the time of loss, or spread out over time leading to symptoms that may not be easily identifiable as a consequence of the original, earlier loss.
The Importance of Saying Goodbye
To process grief, we must emotionally and intellectually say goodbye to what and who we lost. A well-rounded ending is defined as an ending marked by an experience of closure, where the person feels that he has done everything possible to tie up loose ends and acknowledge what was previously unconscious or unspoken. If a well-rounded ending is not achieved, the grieving person could be flooded by feelings of regret or obsessions which interfere with the healthy transition into a new phase of life. This interrupted mourning can share many symptoms of—and similarities with—post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Since we tend to avoid facing feelings that are too painful for us to bear alone, an experienced psychologist or other expert can help you face and process the feelings that are too difficult to access or to bear by yourself.
Tips for Managing the Goodbyes in your Life.
Remember that loss and goodbyes are a part of life, and that grief is a feeling that is just as important as any other feeling to acknowledge and feel. Feelings pass if we honor them. And grieving is a process, which usually gets experienced as waves of emotion.
Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and any anxiety you feel (that can distract you from your grief). Let those waves of feeling move through you so you can find relief.
Get curious! Make space in your mind and heart for the many different emotions that loss stirs up.
Talk to yourself with curiosity and compassion, and talk to trusted others who have a genuine interest in your feelings and your quality of life. We tend to imitate the caregiving qualities of our parents in the way we treat ourselves and others. If your parents did not pay attention to your grief or their own, make a commitment to treat your own feelings, and the feelings of others you care for, differently. In so doing, you can stop the intergenerational transmission of trauma.
Consult an expert who can help you process your loss and provide you with tools to move forward with intention and efficiency. Many local hospitals and mental health clinics offer grief therapy groups.
